About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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