don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
