Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
