The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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