Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My liver just had a heart attack.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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