Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize