I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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