I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
