Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
