Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
