I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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