FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
