Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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