all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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