i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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