so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
