I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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