I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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