I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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