i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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