Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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