Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
