evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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