he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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