don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
