Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i think im in europe. pls send help
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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