he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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