May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
