On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
