i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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