Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
