lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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