i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Quick, to the slutcave!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
