my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
