She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
