Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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