i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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