Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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