$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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