When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
