but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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