If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
false alarm. still invincible.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
