I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
