Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
