I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
