This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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