I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
