I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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