Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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