I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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