is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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