What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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