guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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