I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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