they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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