i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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