Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
