3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
