Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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